“Get your mitts, off my newborn” and other things I wish I could say outside my head. 

I blame my parents for this one.

I’ve been brought up so well (Go Mama!) that I find it increasingly impossible to tell someone No. As if I’m petrified of insulting a complete stranger, who could be a serial killer for all I know, I’ll keep quiet and allow them to do whatever it is that they’re doing which is usually not in any circumstance close to OK. It’s ridiculous and I know I’m being an utter plonker by not taking the bull by the horns and shouting NO GO AWAY LALALA in the perpetrators faces but it’s like there’s a literal wall in front on me and my entire body freezes, including my mouth.

Take the man who walked by THREE times (yes THREE) whilst I was having a cup of tea with a friend outside a cafe,  who loudly said “oh what a cute BABY”, (yes,  he shouted the word baby) “and you must be her MOTHER” – seriously dude, what’s with all the noun shouting – before patting my fragile tiny 11 week old on the head like a dog and TRYING TO PUT HER HANDS IN HIS MOUTH!???!  The inner lioness in me wanted to push the man back and run for the hills, or in this case the safety of the changing facilities,  but I just didn’t know how to move. I forgot how to talk, or walk or run and it made me realise that that when the Zombies attack I will be bloody useless. So it’s thanks to my parents that I’ll probably have my brains eaten. And then I may eat yours and I’m really sorry about that.

It’s not just in times of much needed intervention with my child that this happens though. Frequent dear souls of a particular preaching religion descend upon our doorstep sometimes twice weekly, despite A’s protests of otherwise. Instead of a) answering the door and telling them no or b) not answering at all, I find myself rapidly throwing myself out of window view to the floor and crawling into the kitchen, where I then hide out of sight for 5 minutes or until I’m sure they’ve left our driveway. Sometimes I’ll do this mid feed with Millie and yes, I’m aware of how ridiculous that sounds. I’d rather avoid confrontation and hide in my own home than show someone that I’m actively ignoring them. So sue me.

Another is with some rather pointless (albeit lovingly intended) advice about how I should be managing my symptoms and flaring with Crohn’s Disease. Drink this. No. Take these vitamins. No.  Oh, don’t bother asking your consultant, this cured my sister in law. THERE IS NO CURE.  Have you tried wearing these bracelets?…….Right. I genuinely give up.

But the one that I really wish I had the balls to talk back about are the not-so behind my back comments about how I’ve changed since having a baby. Apparently I’m not a good friend anymore.  Apparently I don’t care about anyone unless they’re part of my new family. Apparently I’m not the same and not as fun.  Well guess what. Things changed and I am OK with them all. I’m OK with starting a family and focusing on us for a while.  I’m OK with being forgetful and not messaging for a while.  I’m OK with enjoying my newborn baby with her Father and my close family. I’m OK with all of this because I haven’t forgotten you and actually think of you all the time, except I’m too busy being a Mother that sometimes you’ll have to wait to have fun with me. There really aren’t enough hours in the day when you have a baby and the last time I checked it was totally fine to wait several months at a time to see someone who is busy all the time. I am busy forming a life and some things have to take priority over your jealousies. Pick up the phone if you’re really that worried and leave a message, I’ll get back to you when I have five minutes to myself.  It really shouldn’t be all up to me  👋👋👋.

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